Trump’s Curious Pack of Pickers
With RFK Jr. and Tulsi Gabbard helping Linda McMahon helm the talent search for a new GOP Administration, what could possibly go wrong?
Memo: To the Trump Campaign
From: President Trump’s “Personal Envoy” Corey Lewandowski
Subject: Transition
Ever since Joe Biden was locked in the White House attic until he agreed to be shoved aside by Commie Kamala and Coach Happy Pants, it’s been Baccarat-crystal clear what we all need to do: Triple our efforts to make sure Donald Trump is our Supreme President again so he can take America back from the forces of FAKE JOY.
But Lordy, even though the man is an Energizer Bunny (the White Rabbit variety), he’s going to need some help.
That’s why it is so important that the Trump transition committee pick a Cabinet and administration with the Right stuff.
And in his wisdom, the Real President has assembled an all-star team who will do just that.
Why just this week HE announced that Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and Tulsi Gabbard will join Linda McMahon in leading the search to populate his next presidency.
Who better to assemble a stellar supporting cast that will run the United States of America for the next four years than a brain-wormy, roadkill-bear-snatching champion of the measles; a ping-ponging politician who nominated Bernie Sanders at the Democratic Convention in 2016 and clings to her sliver of Samoan ancestry like a sailor who fell off Kon-Tiki; and the brains behind the cultural milestone WWE SmackDown!
Of course, if Kennedy and Gabbard have any questions, they can always consult with their fellow honorary co-chairs of the transition committee, Eric Trump, brother Don Jr., and vice-presidential nominee JD Vance. Eric has a well-deserved reputation for being the sharpest blade in the Mar-a-Lago kitchen’s butter-knife drawer, and Junior championed Vance to be Dad’s running mate. And what a selection that’s been!
Here are a few talking points to keep in mind should any media maggot raise questions about the bona fides of the transition chieftains:
RFK Jr.
That tired, elitist rag The New Yorker ran a hatchet job on poor Bobby earlier this month that painted him as a blazing-blue-eyed egotist with an addictive personality, a bit of a messianic complex, and quirky beliefs who can’t keep his hands off women. I mean, who the hell would elect someone like that?
Anyway, if anyone asks if he’ll have a role in the New Administration, say something like “He’s a voice to be heard” (even if you can’t understand what he’s saying) and repeat the name “Kennedy” as many times as you can.
Tulsi Gabbard
Play up the fact that she served four terms in the House of Representatives and has been a presidential candidate, so it doesn’t seem like she just fell off a coconut truck. Who cares if she used to be a Bernie lover. Emphasize that her embrace of the Rightful Commander-in-Chief shows that she now recognizes the true Champion of the People. And don’t forget to mention her service record. She was a light bird colonel in the reserves, plus she was a martial arts instructor before she dropped out of community college to run for Congress.
Linda McMahon
The official leaders of the transition team are Mrs. McMahon and Howard Lutnick, chairman and CEO of the Wall Street firm Cantor Fitzgerald, which was decimated on 9/11. But Linda is kind of the main event here. I’m sure you all know that she ran the Small Business Administration in the Boss’s first term – and with good reason. She and her husband, Vince, started a small biz that became World Wrestling Entertainment and made a gazillion by convincing the hoi polloi that what they were seeing was real. Not that there’s anything wrong with that: I believed it was real, too – when I was 12.
Then in early 2023, Linda and Vince sold a controlling interest in the WWE to the Hollywood powerhouse Endeavor, which also owns the Ultimate Fighting Championship, for $9.3 billion. You probably remember that at our completely fabulous convention, UFC President Dana White was on stage with The Man right before he officially accepted the nomination. It’s kind of odd that Endeavor is run by Ari Emanuel, whose brother Rahm is Sleepy Joe’s ambassador to Japan, but whatever. I digress.
Just try to shut down any comparisons between MAGA and the WWE – you know, all the business about good vs. evil, suspended disbelief, and raging masculinity.
Even though she looks like a rich lady from Connecticut, which she is, Linda isn’t the type to spend afternoons getting her nails done and lunching in Greenwich. She’s a tough businessperson. She also ran for a U.S. Senate seat twice, got robbed both times by the crooked Dems, and has become a major benefactor to our campaigns.
However, Linda does have one teeny problem: Her 79-year-old husband was hit by some BS lawsuit that a former employee of the WWE filed a few months before the deal with Endeavor closed.
If you read the complaint (and please don’t bother), the details are pretty graphic. All lies, of course, but supposedly Vince befriended the young woman after both her parents died, she was unemployed, and her home was lost in a bankruptcy. The suit says he gave her a job at the WWE, then for several years forced her to submit to acts of “extreme depravity” (ridiculous, really, especially the stuff about threesomes and defecation) with both him and colleagues at work. Like every day.
For a guy like Vince who was the pumped-up impresario of World Wrestling for decades and has probably had to fend off bogus suits before, this case would be no big deal. But in May, Biden’s Justice Department asked the woman to pause her lawsuit while it conducts its own investigation.
Look, it's just more harassment of our people. And if some snot-nosed reporter trying to make a name for herself asks whether Linda has a conflict of interest since she’s choosing candidates for the DOJ while those losers in the U.S. Attorney’s Office for the Southern District of New York try to hang something on Vince, it’s “NO COMMENT” – and send the busy little missy to me!
That’s about it. On November 6, we’ll have a roster of candidates to cover our Commander-in-Chief’s back that will make last time’s lineup seem like a bunch of pantywaists.
Onward!
My Book Report
By Deidre Depke
What’s better than the beach? Books.
Summer is great in Rhode Island. The shoreline is sweet, the calamari is legendary, and the beach bars are rocking. But fall is coming – you can feel the chill in the air.
Rhode Islanders love fall. I mean, they really love it. Farm stands already are selling mums and constructing elaborate pumpkin patches. Gift shops are rotating out beachwear for Patriots sweatshirts. And Marshalls is chockablock with Halloween decorations. Maybe the enthusiasm has something to do with football. I’m really not sure.
For us (readers, that is), fall is the season of new books. And what a season it will be: Publishers Weekly has a list of 703 new titles in 13 categories. That’s a lot. Personally, I’m excited about these six novels, all by celebrated authors. (Caveat: I’ve read none of them.)
Tell Me Everything. Elizabeth Strout. September 10.
As far as I’m concerned, the date should be a one-time national holiday so we can all sit down to read Strout’s tenth novel. She returns to Crosby, Maine for this story; Olive Kitteridge is a character, so is Lucy Barton. Strout has a Pulitzer, and Olive was an HBO limited series starring Bill Murray and Frances McDormand, which is an award in and of itself. I can’t think of anyone writing today I’d rather read. (Hilary Mantel is dead, so that’s that.)
The Mighty Red. Louise Ehrlich. October 10
Two teens in North Dakota prepare for their wedding in this story about prairie-community entanglement. As the Harper Collins website says, a new novel by this Native American author is “a major literary event.” If you’ve read The Roundhouse (National Book Award) or The Night Watchman (Pulitzer), you probably agree.
Creation Lake. Rachel Kushner. September 3
Kushner is a two-time National Book Award winner for The Mars Room and The Flamethrowers. In her new novel, a female spy infiltrates environmental activists in the South of France. I might not be cool enough for Kushner’s work: It always feels a little like I’ve lost the thread. But you, probably, are more than cool enough for this one. Plus, it already has been longlisted for a Booker.
Intermezzo. Sally Rooney. September 24
You don’t have to be cool at all to enjoy Rooney, whom The New York Times has called a “phenomenon.” Her straightforward narratives and approachable characters make her the novelist we all believe we could be if we just made a little effort. Intermezzo tells the story of two brothers – one a chess prodigy, the other a successful lawyer – dealing with the death of their father.
Interpretations of Love. Jane Campbell. August 20 (technically, still a fall release)
If you’ve ever felt like it’s too late for you to do something new with yourself, Jane Campbell is your inspiration. She published her debut collection, Cat Brushing, at age 80, inspiring the Times to compare her to Muriel Spark and Edna O’Brien, with a touch of Daphne du Maurier. This historical novel is rooted in a one-night encounter during the London Blitz between a woman ambulance driver and a medic. Early reviews are rhapsodic.
Playground. Richard Powers. September 24
Like all novels by Powers, Playground’s plot is complex. In fact, I’m not going to attempt to summarize it. Here’s how the book is described on Powers’s website: “Twelve-year-old Evie Beaulieu sinks to the bottom of a swimming pool in Montreal strapped to one of the world’s first aqualungs. Ina Aroita grows up on naval bases across the Pacific with art as her only home. Two polar opposites at an elite Chicago high school bond over a three-thousand-year-old board game; Rafi Young will get lost in literature, while Todd Keane’s work will lead to a startling AI breakthrough.” OK…got it. But the book also is longlisted for the Booker, and Powers is a genius. The Pulitzer-winning Overstory, honestly, changed my life. I say, fight your way through the 400 pages.